Toxic Love

Ugly Beauty

Some lifetimes ago the first artistic representation of human beauty was made, since then we’ve always had something to compare ourselves and others to. The more similar your features are to whatever that canon might be, the more graceful you are, and vice versa. Which reference or parameters you hold to depends on your culture, social group, media, and, in an embarrassingly poor degree, your "own" taste. That’s the ugly in beauty.
We’ve got almost no say or merit in where we stand in this superficial spectrum. Yet we rest essential things like our self-esteem, our love for others, decisions, judgments, etc on it. It can so easily blind us, blind us to our self worth, blind us to others' worthiness, blind us to all that resides inside. You might not even realize, everything goes disguised, happening in that dark room behind, you know… your subconscious.
Reality is not what we live, we live our perception of it, and our perception of someone’s actions or true being can be easily romanticized or over criticized. It’s hard to actually see the ugly in beauty or the beauty in ugly. It could also be the other way, you can underestimate other qualities in a beautiful piece, or overvalue other aspects in a beautiful mind.
Don’t be blind.

Broken Side

You fell in love with my broken side. I fell in love with you, with your interpretations, your caring, your romantic movie character manners, and your broken side too, but not mainly. I was devoted to it, you yearned me for my dark pieces, my opaque dangerous ways of thinking, I felt seen and loved for what I really am for once. Then, I understood it couldn’t be. Because I could not only allow but embrace my lower vulnerable points, I felt free to expose them to you, to let them live. But with their lives came my death, I had to drag my spirit, and my negative energies started to implode. My depressive inspiration feels empowered... in charge. My impossibility to breathe, joy numbness, and excessive feelings are writing the script now. I need you to love my light too, but you don’t, you support it, you’re a good person, but it doesn’t fire up the same in you like protecting me does. My intents to stand tall, to even fake some self-love come out as selfish, egocentric, and frivolous to your eyes. Still does, and I still dream about going back and letting my broken side to live its forever romance. It would be tragic, beautifully tragic, epically tragic, 'Shakespearingly' tragic, but tragic. I chose my sanity, my life (literally) for the first time. I will forever love you, your broken side... and mine.

Poisonous Feelings

Just follow your heart, they say Feelings will show you the way, they say. Trust your gut, they say. Isn’t intuition your inherent response based on your experience? So, why would we build our reactions on intuition when we are in unknown situations? How then, can we achieve our goals with intuitive decisions? If where we want to get isn’t a place we’ve been before. We don’t dream about what we have already lived. Would you follow a hunch instead of a map if you aim to get somewhere directly in a new city? What about psychology, philosophy, religions, and meditation? Aren’t those about getting to understand our feelings and impulses, become aware of the subconscious, and/ or generate self-awareness? Wouldn't it then be a better practice to follow our conscience instead of our hearts? What about when we irremediably feel anger, fear, sadness, or hate? Do we follow their way then too? I do daydream, I do want a poetic and romantic world, I definitely listen to my heart, but I can't rely purely on feelings. Feelings can, sometimes, be poisonous.